10. Member of the Enormous Douchebag Club, Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino has just published a BOOK. An actual book. On Amazon and everything. If his complete lack of skill in merely titling the book is this good, I bet the rest will be amazing: “Here's the Situation: A Guide to Creeping on Chicks, Avoiding Grenades, and Getting in Your GTL on the Jersey Shore” Now, I don’t actually watch the show, I monitor its comings and goings on gossip sites, so I don’t know if “creeping on chicks” has grown a more positive reputation, but last time I checked, it’s what crazy, sad, desperate men do and often get in legal trouble over. I wouldn’t advertise being a creeper.
9. Amy Winehouse as a guest designer for fashion label, Fred Perry. Perfect for those days when you want to look like a cracky skeleton who just climbed out of a dumpster and is wearing a dead animal on her head. Accessories include bedazzled coke vials, snazzy hospital bracelets, your own personal raccoon to do your makeup for you, and a fancy hammer with which to knock out a couple of your teef.
8. I walked into the living room the other day while Boyfriend was channel surfing. I absent-mindedly thought to myself, “that sounds like the Kardashian girls.” AND IT WAS. This is a chilling development.
7. The willy nilly appearance of tortured animals photos all over the interwebs. If I want to read Go Fug Yourself or whatnot, I do not want to be distracted by the dying elephant on the right of the page thankyouverymuch. Also, hey facebook friends – quit with the TMI on animal abuse! Just TELL me things are bad for dolphins in Japan or dogs in China – I do not need horrible images branded into my brain for all of eternity! That is what I will picture when I am lying awake at 4am and can't get back to sleep, and cursing you all the while.
6. Speaking of facebook, hey Jesus-y people! Pump the brakes a bit, eh? You really think that all the great shit that happens to you is because you love Jesus? It’s like thanking God for winning the Superbowl. Yep, he picked you to win because you are clearly an entirely better person because you love him so much. He hates the other team, that’s why he made them lose. Quit making life sound like a popularity contest with Jesus. I can’t help but think that you are implying that all my dreams have not come true yet because I’m not tight with Fairy Godfather Jesus and his magical wish-granting powers. You quote the Bible in your updates so obviously JC tucked the man of your dreams under your pillow one night. I am going to be alone forever because I don’t say the word ‘blessed’ in two syllables.
5. Boyfriend is constantly finishing my food and drink in a very unauthorized, uncool manner. Then claims that because we are a couple there is no ‘mine and yours’ – it’s all ‘ours’ – fuck that, I bought that snickers for ME! Do you know what it feels like when you are happily tipsy on your couch, watching something charming like ProjRun or Intervention (hilarious!) and you experience a joy explosion because you remember that you have a fucking snickers bar in your house!! This will be the most delicious snickers of your life! After searching in vain for a few minutes, Captain Jerkface asks what you are looking for, and he says ‘Oh I had that for breakfast the other day” – just like that, non-chalant, tra-la-la. Suddenly a montage of blood and ballpoint pens in eyeballs and fury flash through your mind. Then you remember you look terrible in orange jumpsuits and “murderer” is such a strong label. He literally had no idea why the fires of hell and vengeance were unleashed inside me. Excuse me, sir, that is CHOCOLATE AND PEANUTS AND NOUGAT AND WHEN YOU HEAT IT IN THE MICROWAVE IT IS THE FOOD OF THE GODS!!!! You don’t just eat someone’s fuckin snickers. Period.
4. Willow Smith. Dear god, have you seen this little person/alien? We all know that the Smiths were sent here to take over the Earth and this is just another step in that process. This child FRIGHTENS me. Have you seen the (brilliantly written, I might add) Whip My Hair video? If it does not alarm you, you need to put down the valium and gin. She is TERRIFYING. Mostly because she is NINE. Eat a grilled cheese, don’t shave half your head! Be socially awkward and wear socks with sandals like I did, don’t sing to the camera with so much attitude that I fear you will cut me. She could fuck a bitch up.
3. Though I despise all things Mariah Carey (except that x-mas song that fills me with magical Christmas joy akin to that of Buddy the Elf) I am actually excited about her pregnancy for two reasons. Number one – it’s a boy! How hard did she cry into her Hello Kitty pink velvet/silk pillow in her butterfly fairyland themed bedroom when she realized that she can’t dress her new baby up in glitter and PINK and feathers and lollipops?! Muah-ha-ha! Though she may just say ‘fuck it,’ do it anyway, and then we’ll have the next generation’s coming of Liberace. Yay sparkles!!! Reason number two – she’s 40. There’s still hope for me.
2. I have basically lost the ability to do anything of substance. Just this morning, so far I have spent around three hours reading totally useless things on the interwebs. It’s like a time-sucking game of telephone – I click on one link, “Oooooh, Jon Hamm does have a really big bulge in his pants at all times…” (It's not letting me share this glorious link with you, but go to Celebitchy dot com, then search for Jon Hamm, and it's the 2nd story down. You're welcome.)(Also of note, the damn slaughtered piggies ad that I just bitched about in #7 show up here!) Annnnyhoodle, then I remembered that I wanted to show BF this photo of a hunter with a deer he just shot with a puma lurking in the background… thus I wind up on snopes, both to learn that the photo is fake (booo) and then spend an hour or so looking at their ENTIRE real or fake photo gallery. Then I come upon this page called Worth1000 which has photoshopping contests that are amazeballs. So, hello, 1pm, you’re here inconveniently early since I have a week’s worth of schoolwork to squeeze out before 9pm, damn youuuuuuu!
1. I just received an email from my mother that says, and I quote, “Say, what's this blog you mentioned that you don't want me to read? What on earth is it about if I can't read it? Of course you know the rule -- never put in writing what you wouldn't want on the front page of the newspaper, and double that for the internet.” Ummmmmm so yeah. In what drunken blurty phone call did I drop that tidbit in? Well, really none of this is about me, it’s all jokes jokes jokes, ha ha ha, make believe silly tee-hee...look what’s that over there?!? I’m off to church kthxbai!
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