Bad Idea Jeans

Tips for How to Terrify Land a Man, According to Cosmo

Those wily minxes over at Cosmo took a minute out of their busy bunny-boiling schedules to bring us “20 Fun, Fearless Ideas to Help You Meet a Man.” Fearless is a stretch, Senora Cosmo. If any guy caught wind of these desperate shenanigans, you has best believe that you already have that feller locked down with some sexual magic that I won’t go into here. Here are my favorites:

"Hit a sports bar the next time a game is on. Wear a tee with the logo of the team you’re cheering for, and sit near a guy rooting for the same team. You can connect over your shared fandom."

Yeah, great plan, cray-cray. What happens when he asks you about the last game or what you think of the trade between blah-blah and blah-blah?? You will blankly stare at him and have to yell, “ooooohhh look what time it is!!! Patron time!!” Just to distract him. Because a sober man will figure out that it is really fucking creepy that you somehow acquired a shirt representing a team you do not actually support. And how dare you say ‘fearless,’ Cosmoron, have you ever seen what guys in sportsbars act like during games? Loud, crude, drunk, with nachos on their shirts and any sense of decorum left squarely at the door. And you, little sweet cute you, is just gonna sidle up to a table of these apes and expect some adorable attention?? Guys are jerky by nature… gather a herd of them, pour liquor in their mouths, put on testosterone aggravating competitive events with bright colors and loud noises?? All I picture is something akin to deer-in-the-headlights girl in the middle of Pamplona.

"The best thing about a cute guy in a Laundromat? He’s not going anywhere for a good hour. Pretend you’re out of detergent, and ask to borrow a cup. You’ll have a few spin cycles to chat…and find out if he’s a boxers man or a briefs man."

Thanks Cosmotards, I want to date a guy who can’t afford a goddamn washing machine.

"The next time you see a hot dude on the weekend, look for a clue to his personality before starting a conversation. For example, if he’s wearing a NASCAR cap, approach him with "I noticed your hat. Are you into racing?" It’s an opener that seems natural, not contrived."

So now not only do you think I should settle for a loser without in-home laundry facilities, now I should hit on Nascar fans?? And once again, what if he says, “yes, I am into racing, as my hat clearly suggests, what do you think of blah blah and blah blah?” Once again you look ridiculous and stalkery, even if you think you are so clever as to mention Dale Earnhardt’s tragic death because that was way too long ago. Plus, why would you be such a buzzkill as to shit on this fellow’s night and remind him that his childhood hero is racing cars with angels now??

"I noticed your hat. Are you into racing?"

                                    
"Next time you’re out for dinner with your girls, smile and make eye contact with a cute server. When the bill arrives, leave your number on the tip line and write that you owe him a drink."

This assumes two things. One, that you are hot enough that this guy will be so stoked that he will say “Fuck tips!! I don’t need to pay rent, I want this chick’s number instead!” and Two, that he is even available to date – other wise you just dbagged your way out of respect from this entire establishment.

"Tap a cute guy on the shoulder. When he turns, feign surprise and exclaim "I thought you were [insert random boy name]!" Then bond over the fact that you fake-know his back-of-head twin."

Don't even get me started on WTF is a 'back-of-head' twin?!?!
 

FYI -- This is my "back-of-head" twin.

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SOOOOOO, basically all of these tips can be boiled down to: Go everywhere alone, act like a dipshit who gets confused easily. Other gems I won’t fully go into include pretending to be lost, then asking for him to show you to your destination, buying two different drinks at a bar, then offering him one because the bartender “got your order wrong” (This one is especially ridiculous because aren’t we all double-fisting already?) Ask him for cheese recommendations in the market, ask him to put lotion on your back at the pool, ask to use his phone to locate yours, ask him to be in a photo with you, ask him to help you put YOUR NECKLACE on as though it just accidentally fell off. If I were a dude, I would immediately think: Why is she randomly by herself? Why is she so needy?

Oh Cosmo, bless you for your naive idiocy and humor. I don't know about y'all but I'm off to wander the streets like a lost lamb, looking to interrupt men in a variety of awkward situations to demonstrate my incredible air-headedness, lack of direction, inability to grocery shop, and loss of fine motor skills when dressing myself! Wheeee!!!