Of Rags and Riches

If I were to believe the wise fashion owls over at Vogue, and even at the slightly less absurd InStyle and Allure, apparently the modern woman is making millions of dollars by the day. Really, those $1900 boots are a “must-have” for Fall? No, having a roof over my head to protect me from the shit that passes for weather in San Francisco is far more worth my $1900 than your crazy fleecy lumberjack hooker boots. People, do you recall “duck boots”? – you find them in Lands End and LL Bean, they’re the ones that lace up and have the ribby tan bottoms for wearing around in the rain? Somebody, I believe one T. Hilf. has produced a pair that have a 4 inch heel and extend above one’s knee!!! Who are these marketed towards? I used to wear those to muck out horses’ stalls. Yes to shovel shit. And T. Hilf. either assumes that I have hit paydirt and married rich and these boots will remind me of my childhood, but in a super slutty way…. Or that the fancy people will think fondly of the “help” that shovels their horses’ shit and think “how quaint” – just like shabby chic! Oh and cotton cargos for $225? Yes please! InStyle assures me I will love them all season, so thank goodness. How do you just have $2,000 handy to buy a snakeskin clutch? And why would you? The best lip treatment of the year, aka the best chapstick is $22.50. Maybe the tube is 12 inches long, then it makes sense. Except that a foot long chapstick would be pretty inconvenient, even with all those pockets on your $225 cargo pants.

Also, yes, Tiffany’s, I should just start collecting those cutesy “remember special moments” rings, oops that would be “Celebration” rings, that are thousands of dollars each as well (one is actually $13,000), ya know, just to reflect on the little milestones in life. This is how that would play out in my life: “Oh honey, here’s the one from the time we robbed that 7-11 to buy you this ring. Awww! Oh, here’s the one commemorating when you sold your eggs to that research clinic in France. Tee-hee! This one celebrates that black market kidney deal back in ‘04! Awwww! I love us! And money and things and stuff!”

I mean, I’m not sporting a casio watch and sketchers, and thoughts of TJ Maxx and Ross terrify me, but really? Am I doing something horribly wrong because I can’t afford a pair of Louboutins? What the hell, world? Sorry… America? Yes, J. Crew you make an excellent point -- you were considerate enough to make your cashmere cardigan in 24 colors, I should nab a whole bunch. They’re only $116 each. I honestly have a gift card for J. Crew from a birthday three years ago because I am crippled with the pressure of what to buy.

However, when one is forced to use public transportation (by not being able to pay $410 per month for parking at work – seriously, for a parking spot. Cause that’s not insane. My car could have its own apartment in Las Vegas for that. Oooooh I smell sitcom!) Anyway, where was I? Oh so being forced to ride public transportation (which I would rather shovel shit than do), I realize that yes, I may be pretty well off. I am fortunate enough to live in a nice neighborhood that unfortunately falls in the path of the infamous T line – which originates from the worst, dirtiest, most crime-ridden ghetto in this fair city by the bay. Or it’s possibly a Spike Lee movie set. So this makes my commute endlessly fascinating. I think I’ve ranted about it enough previously so I digress.

Here’s my “hell-in-a-handbasket” revelation for the day: Riding this train is a hot mess of emotions for me because on the one hand, I am probably far better off than most of the other patrons and quite thankful for that…but then I end up feeling icky because while I am sitting there judging Mr. Gold Teeth with his speaker-backpack, and Precious’ twin with her flowery “Flirt Alert” messenger bag, it dawns on me that I am on the same train. (No I did not just get hit by lightning for saying that, but thanks for your concern.)

Here is where I would write some sappy ass “we are the world” revelation about humanity and how blessed I am and how envy is a sin and blah blah blah, but no sorry, not being rich fucking sucks! That’s the moral of my tangent! Kanye West just got DIAMOND TEETH, and all I want is a simple rainbow of classic cardigans! I have tasted a $2,000 bottle of wine and it IS better than anything else I’ve ever put in my face!! Oh god why did I mention wine?? I’ve awakened the sleeping (passed out) demon who makes me drink. My dark passenger. I am the Dexter of drinking! It is rumored that yesterday, I watched Date Night, hid vodka in the oven, cooked pasta fully nude, and shaved my cat. Get out of the gutter, you, I am talking about a real cat! It was just a trim, anyway. She drew the line at letting me paint her nails. Feisty. So clearly, a great weekend was had by all. Also, of note: Target, mecca that it is already, is making their own brand of crystal-light-type bottle packets…. in MARGARITA flavor. Happy Monday.