SLUT IT UP!!!!

Okay sluts here we are. I had my first post-less day yesterday. SHAME! I was extremely busy doing homework, running my one woman empire from my ridiculously large desk, and taking calls from morons. That kind of includes Boyfriend because he called repeatedly to sing to me the new songs that he makes up about our cat. But really, I must confess, I got back the proofs from a photo shoot I did with my old horse (it was a Groupon and I am a Groupon addict, so don't ask about relevance), so I was severely preoccupied with clicking through photos of myself for possibly 85% of the day. Vanity, thy name is ME! Plus my favorite work friend was out sick so I had no one to snark in person to, and to top it all off with a big pile of poo -- I drove to work, so I couldn't even start drinking til I got home!! Stupid Thursday.

That reminds me of a really lame joke that my mom and I adore, primarily because a small childling was the one who told us, so it's best done in a child voice. Which I just did to Boyfriend this weekend actually. I'm a dork, I know.
Knock-knock
Who's there?
I'm a pile-up
I'm a pile-up who?
No you're not! Don't be so hard on yourself!! Hahahahahahahaaaaaaaa!!!

Ahhhh it delights me so.

Halloween is here, whooooopeeeeeee, right? Since sluttiness is the requirement for us ladies on this hallowed eve, I am still debating my outfits because I like to be original, while maintaining acceptable levels of slutsy. Normally I just dress as Lindsay Bluth-Funke and wear a shirt that says SLUT and then visit a men's prison. Hi Pop Pop!

But this year I may go big. So far, I've narrowed it down to Slutty Garbage Man, Slutty Buzz Lightyear, or Slutty Mrs. Potato Head. Oh-ho-ho! You laugh, but bear witness to THIS!!!!!:

My va-jay-jay is smiling at you!

Choices, choices, choices. I also shit you not, I found Slutty Cookie Monster, Slutty Big Bird, Slutty Optimus Prime, and all four Slutty Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Seriously? What year is this? (Don't call it a comeback!) That show was big in like 1988! Why not Slutty Mr. Belvedere or Slutty Doogie Howser?? Of course after writing "Slutty" 97 times just now, I realize the appropriate title is "Sexy Whatever." Which makes me feel the need to mention, Dear Costume Websites: "Sexy Whatever, Plus Size" should NEVER be a name for anything. Sorry, but it's true. I'm like 10 pounds overweight and wouldn't be caught dead in these miniature scraps of fabric... why would we want to see Kirstie Alley as Sexy Bumblebee? I call shenanigans.

I think I will wind up going as Inebriated Girl in Longhorn Pajamas with Box Of Wine and Halo of Lame. And by "going as" I mean going in a triangle from my couch to my kitchen to my loo, then repeat. My metamorphosis into a full hermit is almost complete. Conveniently I just blame being broke (mostly true). Last year I tried to have the "Say Yes to Everything, You Never Know!!!" ridiculous idea, and I wound up at a party that HAD NO ALCOHOL. I repeat NO ALCOHOL. If that was their way of making a house of complete and utter horror and fear, they succeeded. Then to get to the next party we WALKED at least 1,000 blocks (in sub-zero SF temperatures, mind you) to find that the "theme" of that horror mansion was to serve only Pabst Blue Ribbon! I would have to drink 84 of them to get sufficiently trashed happily tipsy. So F that. The next night was a vast improvement, quite fun, with copious amounts of wine and shots and mechanical bulls, so all was not lost.

I have a very important task I must now embark on. Apparently my FAVORITE journalistic authority on life, (yep Cosmo!) has put out a list of ways to have a Sexy Halloween!!! Fear not, citizens, I shall do the dirtywork of deciphering their magical advice and bring it right back to you, I wouldn't dare deprive any of my friends the opportunity for a Slutty Sexy Halloween!! Ok, I'm off -- alakazaam! I say that so that I can tie in this parting moment of utter shame and total blasphemy. So many levels of WRONG.

I'm dressed like a young orphan nerd boy, doesn't that turn you on?