POBRECITA, PART DOS.

So here we are again. I was last mentioning the insane world of dresses. Let's recap shall we?

Annnnd so we come full circle to where I am poor. And now I need a party dress. If you had never had the pleasure of looking for a party dress on the interwebs, you are in for the treat of your life!!! I went through the usual suspects -- Macy's, Nordstrom's, blah blah - but then I ventured off into the wilderness of "dress sites" -- generally meant to cater to prom goers, quinceanara chicas, and apparently fully fucking mad-dog crazy-ass bitches. Perusing dress after dress, squealing at them, sending the links to coworkers, receiving OMGs in return -- this went on for hours. Fave Co-Worker says "You know you have to write about this." To which I responded, staring into the distance, stone-faced, "There are no words."

But it's meeeeeeee, so of course there are!!

Very few though. Mostly just "holy shiza minelli!" -- "oh dear god!" -- "who would fucking do that?!" Basically the same things you might hear a small crowd exclaim when witnessing oh, babies being thrown from moving cars, or while at the museum of ancient batshit crazy torture devices, or seeing really fat people having sex. It's that bad. Are you ready for a few droplets from the vast sea of wrong? I shit you not, it was so mesmerizing that I can safely estimate I looked at over 4,200 dresses. And that was only like 2 websites. Do you have any idea how hard it is to narrow these monstrosities down?? It went from Top 5, to Top 10, I briefly considered Top 20 but thought your eyes might start to bleed like mine, so I came to a happy, lucky 13. Keep in mind, these are mostly listed as PROM DRESSES. Prom. For teenagers, last time I checked. Oh, and no dress here is under $450. OK! Here we go:

Will there be ice skating involved at any point tonight? There will? Sweet, I have the perfect dress.

This is just "a lot of look" as Tim Gunn would say. To put it mildly. "Please bleach my eyeballs" is what he would mean in this particular scenario.

For the Enchantment Under the Sea dance, obviously.

"Whatevah. Youz fuckin ladies betta watch it, capesh? Yeah, das right, uh? I wear red jus' so's I can cut a bitch up and hide the stains. Ayyyyyyyy, what you lookin at ovah there ya fuckin' pansy?!?!? Whut? Whut? Yahhhhh thas whut I thawt."

"Heyyyyy, you guuuuuys? Tell me if look hot like this, cause I'm totally gonna be sooooo wasted off that Strawberry Hill that I'll like pass out, but I still want to look super hot! Riiiight?!"

"Aye dios mio!  You beetches are soch leetle slots! Pero, Iyam turning my fieefteen years old esta noche, and eet iz goingk to be the most loco fiesta eber!  

Mira! Iyam sooooo, how you say, sopheesticated. 

Iyam like a floaty sparkly ocean of fancy co-ton cannndee, no?   

Madre de dios! Mi cabeza iz goingk to esplode from all my beeeyooty y esplendor!"*

Editor's note: If someone told me I could actually wear something this AMAZING when I was a wee fifteen and was still riding high on the wave of love I felt for Ariel and Belle and Jasmine, I would have been Mexican Catholic quicker than you can say --oh infierno si!*
(Not actual Spanish)

Speaking of Disney Princesses, I chose this next awesome shot for two reasons (well, three including the ugly factor). First, props to the shoot stylist! Yea-hea! You know what teenage girls are totally into? Cars! What better backdrop for selling prom dresses than a ... Lamborghini! Like moths to a flame! ...Well, I guess it could be more like 'if we wear dresses like this, we will land guys that drive uber expensive cars!' (Note: I do not think the girls in this photo can use the word 'uber' in a sentence.) So reason #2 that I heart this photo is because it reminds me of the final dancing scene in Sleeping Beauty -- you know, where the little old lady fairies keep going, "No, the dress should be pink! No, blue!" and my bff of childhood and I used to fight like crazy bag ladies over who would "get to wear" the pink one. (Where? When? Why? Not relevant to us.) It is a point of contention in our relationship even today. This summer, she had the nerve to send me a postcard from Disneyland of the pink dress with "MY DRESS!" scrawled all over it. NEVAH!!! But she can totally have both of these nightmares.

If you are still reading, dear reader, I say both 'thank you' and 'clearly you are not getting much done at work today, or you are very bored.' But assuming you are still having a blast (yeeee-ahhhh!!!!) I will whip through these last few trainwrecks.

For when you really want the world to know that your loins are on fire with desire for love SEX. Like, literally en fuego. Like, your sparkly torso is escaping the dancing flames of some raging hellish bonfire surrounding your lower body region. Don't blame me if you attract arsonists. Don't act annoyed when the DJ puts on Sex on Fire, Ring of Fire, and people gather around you, hold hands, and sings Koombaya. (Plus, I dare you to wear this and not throw your surprisingly heavy bracelet corsage at the twelfth person to make a firecrotch joke.)

The remaining photos are actually a little artistic collection that I have creatively put together after being really moved and inspired by these visions. I'm calling it:

This Girl is Just the Worst

Catchy, no? Let me share with you my inspiration and muse. 

"Hi! I'm CayCee! I wear obscenely short horrible terrible ugly dresses. Then I lift them up in playful slutty sexy ways. I am probably not wearing panties."

"Ahhhh I just have so much FUN! This Sherri Hill designer lady really makes so many crazy different dresses! I also don't really know a lot of ways to pose, so I just cock my head in a weird way so it looks like I'm listening to a sound really far away. OMG I just said cock heeeheeeeheee"

"OMG OMG OMG you guyyyys!!! I was practicing my super cool pose while wrapped up in my duvet from my triple XL king size bed when it struck me -- WHAT IF I TURN THE OTHER WAY?????? Mama was right, I am the bestest model ever! Yay!"

So, uhhhhh, does anyone have any dresses I can borrow for the Christmas party?