That's Why You Don't blah blah blah what

So yesterday eve, I was getting re-blond-ified at my salon, and as I sat there drinking the bottle of wine I brought for the event, I thought, "Do normal people bring (and finish) entire bottles of wine while getting their hair did?" First let it be known that it does take over two hours. That's a damn long time. And it's after work. And a bottle of wine in 2+ hours is not that big of deal, right? RIGHT? It definitely helps during moments in which your stylist asks you, "So are you hoping your boyfriend proposes this Christmas?" Ppppppptththththbbbbbbttttt -- that's me spitting out the wine in shock. (Only in my head.) Instead I remained composed and just laugh laugh laughed, and actually replied, "Ummmmmm we haven't learned how to get through a week without wanting to kill each other yet, sooooo...." But all I could think was, "Really you can ask people that? And really? I'm that girl?" My family is pretty good about not being annoying regarding such issues (with the exception of my father and one auntie, I'll get to that later.) I do most of the internal panic and Jewy hand-wringing over the issue for the whole family anyway. But of course, one of my sincerely funny cousins wrote in my birthday card, "Still waiting on that wedding invite!" as a huge joke, but OF COURSE Boyfriend saw it and now thinks I do have a crazy family. (They are of course crazy, but in different ways.)

Fortunately for my parents, my best friend since the age of oh, fetus, is married to an awesome guy, has the cutest baby girl in the universe, and is preggers with #2, a boy. It's so PERFECT! So, I really think my parents are pretending that She is their daughter. She visits them about twice a month, stays for the weekend, makes pies, talks about raising "difficult" girl-children (if by difficult you mean awesome, then carry on), watches Rogers & Hammerstein movies, and maybe they remember to call me and tell me how good the food is. I see my parents maybe twice a year (not because I'm an asshole but because they live 7 hours from me, and only 2 from Substitute Daughter.) Hell, I would adopt her -- she was a grade school teacher, smells like roses, and is constantly trying new dishes to whip up from shows on Food Network. I was a gypsy rogue horse rider for years, I smell like vodka and regret, and I like to spice up my home cooking by adding pepper jack cheese to my Toy Story Mac'n'Cheese. 

This is an actor portrayal of my parents' adopted child.

But it's all very chicken-and-egg to me. Is my lifestyle preventing me from "growing up"? Or is it a 'fuck you life, fine then, I'll party" response? Like if I only drank five two nights a week, or made things like pot roast and lemon bars, or read more Martha Stewart 'Living' (which my mother gifted me an entire subscription to, ps) instead of Motley Crue's autobiography (which is effing RAD), or shopped at Banana Republic and spent less time writing a blog about things that piss me off/make me laugh..... would I turn into a grown-up? "If you build it, they will come" type shit? Or does it evolve from necessity? I should just ask around since 9,437 of my friends are married and most with kids. What do y'all think? Were you all mature and homemakery before you got married? (Assuming you are even that now, post marriage...) Or were you just you being same ol' you (assuming you were fun and occasionally had one too many, and mostly [insert lazy food here]) and a guy fell in love with you anyway, and you just grew into being a wife and then a mom rather naturally?

Sooooooo less of  this:

More of this:

Wow lots of serious thought there. 

And a picture of a Playboy bunny. (Hint: Not me)

Let's just throw in this one to lighten the mood. I heart this one!

Annnnyway, that train of though kind of ties in to what I mentioned early about my dad being the "Poking Me in the Side with a Big Stick" character about me and my love life. But he does it in a manner that used to bug the ever-loving crap out of me, but one time I laid into him about it and now it's closer to a joke than for real, but deep down... I know it's real Luigi! He likes to observe me doing something that is less than stellar -- making a cocktail before noon, mentioning how much I hate the gym, saying that I don't know how to cook a turkey unassisted-- and says (now infamous words our house) "THAT'S WHY YOU DON'T HAVE A HUSBAND." It has reached levels of awesomeness that include, "Oh sorry I forgot to clean my dishes, I got distracted" See, Valentina, that's why you don't have a husband!"

Or, "Valentina are you wearing the same t-shirt that you slept in? That's why you don't have a husband." Watching too much TV, getting too competitive at board games and Jeopardy (because men don't like to feel inferior), not being into hiking, not picking up tennis or sailing (to which he literally said that the harbor seems like a nice place to meet men... Really Pop, I should start lurking around the docks and asking about jibs and booms, only to get abducted and killed at sea like in dozens of movies??) Also husband repellent -- obviously the levels of wine consumption, getting a pimple, watching football and or Godfather marathon instead of helping my mom/female family members in the kitchen, using curse words (major offenses: douchebag, assclown, and the 900 ways I use fuck). Not accompanying my mother to Mass (even though he never has!), not reading the WSJ, not bathing absolutely every day (it is NOT necessary people!), eating pie for breakfast (a long-standing accepted tradition on my mom's side), driving a truck and not wanting a Mini... Not being more ladylike, (whatever that means), being too blond, too chubby, too hot-tempered, and of course too sarcastic. For obvious reasons, he has no knowledge of what shenanigans I am up to here on these interwebs. Nonetheless, funny funny Poppy. I feel bad for him, he was/is an older father, so he's 73 this year, and that does freak me out a bit. I never had grandparents (and am therefore mostly terrified of old people). But it saddens me that even if I walked up to the next guy I see and said 'Impregnate me!" (do not try this at home),  my dad would be in his 90s (God willing) when this random child of mine would graduate high school. OK STOP IT I'M GETTING ALL FERKLEMPT!!!


My final lame moment will be: I would love to hear you smug marrieds tell me things. Yes, things. Things you think I should know. Things you wish you would have known. Things I should worry about or not worry about. Things that involve monkeys and alcohol and unicorns. (No?!) Ok fine. Now I stop with the woe is me.


IN OTHER NEWS:

Idiot savant Blakey Blake Shelton won country music artist of the year this week, sometime recent, whatever. Woooo-hooooo. With all that money that you win he can now buy books about tree species.

Dear Katy Perry, Put your stupid tits away. I like tits. But you are ruining them.

Someone gave Tori "My Breasts are 4 Yards Away From Each Other" Spelling a talk show. No comment.

I was alerted this a.m. that "The Bluths" are following me on twitter. Upside: FUCK yeah I love the Bluths!! Downside: Why? I have used it maybe twice. I smell scam, not guest appearance.

I have no worthwhile plans for the weekend. Sooo-prise, sooooo-prise!!!! Had to hide vodka for the million billionth time from boyfriend because I came home yesterday to find a big swill taken out of a brand new bottle (KEEP IN MIND HE DOES NOT LOVE STV LIKE I DO), with a note that in scribbley bibbley talk I think said that he had to open it to put some love in there.  He's never going to learn this is he? I think he's doing it now because he thinks I'm a spoiled princess and need to share more. That's fine. I will buy two bottles then. If I need $7 to get across a toll bridge, and you take $2 out of my wallet because we should be sharing things, then I AM FUCKED AT THE TOLLBOOTH! And of course by tollbooth I mean drunk. Am I being crazy? Think back to the snickers incident also. Does everyone else out there blur the line between mine and shared? Nothing can ever just be mine "I paid for it and plan to enjoy all of it" thing anymore??? Why am I the only person that just thinks that's  a douchey cop-out for "Hey I am selfish and felt like taking your shit."

Alright I am dancing the line between snarky and just fucking cranky, so I should probably sign off. I hope everyone has a tremendous weekend. Feel free to come by and hang out with me and my fictional friends anytime. And a fun parting shot, hope you have this much fun:

xoxoxoxox


.