A VERY ARTISTICALLY EXPRESSIVE AND INFORMATIONAL GUIDE TO MY MUNI TRAIN RIDE EVERY DAY

In obvious news, people are funny. Craaaaaazy people are really funny, and not even just the certifiable ones like Spencer Pratt and Danny Bonaduce. More importantly, I think people on my train are both funny and often crazy. This is not news to any of you who listen to me extol the virtues of my Muni train rides every now and then all the time. This morning a long greasy haired chap was giggling to himself (not high at all, I'm sure) and reaching for the "steady yourself handles" from his seated position. Needless to say his go-go-gadget arms weren't working and he wasn't really making contact (causing him to giggle more), and then this other wackadoo greasy crazy/druggie guy gets mad at him, claiming that Giggly is mocking him because apparently that's how he himself reaches for the handles. Either this was a cracky inside joke or just a brilliant union of ridiculous people. I say the latter, because Wackadoo mumbled harsh (as opposed to kind?) profanities at Giggly as he passed me upon exiting the train. Gooooood morning to me!!!!

So yes, I have waxed poetic about my love for my train ride before. The number one reason being it's crippling level of inefficiency and unreliability. My train is never at the station when it says it will be, it comes to a standstill often for no apparent reason, and going the 3.3 miles to and fro work every day can and has taken anywhere from a nice, quick (haha) 25 minutes to a mind-numbing 72 minutes. HATE is too kind of a word. But really, while I'm enjoying my time inside the train is when the magic happens. If you recall, I have done the Top Ten Reasons my commute is awesome list, but in case you missed it, here it is again, now with photographic evidence!:

1. Having to listen to enormous women with nails like neon talons on their phones in the LOUDEST voice possible, "Girrrrrl, no fuckin' way he said that shit! Marcus is gonna fuck his shit up for real"
2. Another fellow arguing about a drug drop who then realizes that I cracked his cryptic "When am I gonna get my CD" code, and tells his drug-buddy on the phone there's some nosy ass white bitch here who is onto his shit. Fabulous. I'm going to die on this godforsaken train.
3. Kids about 15 emptying cigarettes onto the floor (nice) in order to roll joints, yes, right then. While saying fuck and n* every other word. Oh, and while SPITTING on the floor too.
4. The constant possibility of getting a contact high even at 7am because it smells like the train was hot-boxed.
5. The man across from me who smells incredibly bad, has 2 teeth, and has entire conversations with himself. Although he IS wearing a Stanford sweatshirt, so maybe he's just a confused genius.
6.The amount of gold makes me feel like its 1849 and we all rushed out here to pan for it -- any prospector/dentists out there?
7. A delightful chap the other evening who possessed a backpack with SPEAKERS in it, so he could blast his music and share with us melodious tunes filled with fuck, n*, and shit.
8. Young moms with swirly twirly pieces of hair gelled onto their faces telling their wee babes to "Shut the fuck up! What'd I tell you about whinin and shit when I'm on the phone?"
9. 40s in brown bags. At 7am.
10. Having 80% of the people SO FAT they have to take up two seats. Guaranteed-- every morning.

Exhibit A:

That is an actual seat there, peeking through. SERIOUSLY.

One of the best parts of this little jaunt around the city was that he was on a Bluetooth, so we also got a fantastic narration of how to unlock codes from some nerdball wizard game the entire time. 

Exhibit B:

I do not hide this man/woman's face because you need to understand my daily WTF moments. I mean really, what is going on here? 

The incredible mopey lip with the jazzy pink pants??

Also, thank you Person of Unknown Gender, 

for TAKING UP TWO SEATS!

Another big trend? Putting your stupid bag on the seat next to you and then staring all around so as not to make eye contact with the people who you are denying seats to because you are selfish fucks. 

Exhibit A:

In his defense, that bag looks both far too weighty to hold and 

far too fancy to place on the floor. It's cool, I'll stand. 

Please also note, you are a fucking DUDE. I am a GIRL. You should not only be offering your Almighty Bag's seat, but yours too, jerkface!

Exhibit B:

Yep, just look away. Don't look at me for fear that my glare will make you feel an eensy bit like an ASSHOLE. Oh and your shoes are fucking stupid.

I would also like to share this with you. MUNI is nationally famous for being a big piece of shiza. Apparently along with our Hottie Mayor. Oh and Nate Ford is the Executive Director of Muni, but his business card reads 

Minion of the Dark Prince Who Does Not Care if You Ever Get To Work... Ever. Not Just "On-Time" -- Ever.

Nice shout out to God's Big Joke #2, our weather.

Alas, I fear my Muni woes will never be quite resolved. For a truly excellent rant, please visit the man too funny to be human, Drew, and his blog piece: http://www.rocket-shoes.com/an-open-letter-to-sf-muni/



Until things are cleared up, I get a driver, a parking pass, sugar daddy, or a hoverboard, I will just let my new bodyguard Erjolsk the EarPuncher follow me around and clear seats for me. Thanks Erjy!

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