Not Firing On All Cylinders

Hold on to your bloomers, people, listen to this. I have not had any alcohol in 63 hours. I KNOW!! CRAZY! This shows you just how much I am freaking the fuck out about my recently acquired heftiness. Trying to stick to protein shakes, greek yogurt, water, air, almonds, and I snuck in a gyro yesterday -- but that's mostly meat and veggies anyway!! Hiding from salt and carbs and oh dear god alcohol. Course the more I write about it, the more I feel I am jinxing myself into wanting it. DAMN

 Me with my tiny wine bottle

So Boyfriend asked me the other night if I had put my Christmas list together yet. HUH?? We get to have Christmas lists past the age of 20?? Well, it turns out that people with fucking NORMAL size families make lists because they either have a) a lot of people to buy for, or b) because they do a big Secret Santa exchange. But I have seen how Secret Santas go down, and inevitably you buy gifts for like 5 more people because you saw something they would love or cause you feel obligated to because you are closer to them. Kind of a moot exercise if you ask me. So I guess the same goes for BFs fam because they get to make a list of like 20 things!! So I sat down at my computer this a.m. and found myself kinda stumped. I mean do you ask for the specific mascara you want? Or just say 'giftcard to Sephora'? Then I thought, well I really need a tote bag for work... because apparently a brown paper grocery bag every day has even offended the aesthetic sensibilities of the BF. Turns out I really like the stupidly expensive new one from Tory Burch. Do I put that on my list? Is it rude to be like, hey you can get some impersonal giftcards or a crazy 'spensive bag.... go! I would personally not like to be on the other end of that.

I suppose it's nice to sit here and think that I don't really need anything for Christmas -- count your blessings and all that shit. The only things I really would want are things I can't afford for myself (or are impossible fantasyland wishes). Like the Tory Burch bag or a Maserati or a unicorn that poops Gummi Grapefruit Slices (the best candy ever.)

Top Ten Ludicrous Things I Would Like For Christmas:

• Not having to go to work anymore. Or at least having the "You Will Love What You Do So Much That It Won't Even Feel Like Work" fairy come down and hand me a little note with that very job on it. Other than my friend who cooks and styles food for photos for magazines, I can't think of anyone else in my immediate cluster with a truly FUN job. But please, share with me if you do.
• Carrie Underwood's hair. So blond! So shiny!
• A grand prix horse. Because if I'm not working I'll have lots of time to train and show.
• Eleventy million dollars to fund the training and showing of said horse.
• To magically become part of the gang at either Cougartown or Modern Family.
• To lose 35 pounds in 35 hours just from drinking wine.
• Have elves pay off my credit cards. (Really anyone would do, but it seems fun to involve elves.)
• A parking pass at my office. No more MUNI Satan Train!!!
• A Maserati to drive there. (and anywhere I want because oh shit, yeah I don't work anymore.)
• A brindle pug puppy. Seriously they are EFFING ADORABLE:

I died of cuteness.