You may be tragically disappointed to learn that at THE Holiday Party I did not wind up napping anywhere inappropriate or lost or wearing lots of red wine. I swished massive quantities of wine onto the dancefloor, yes, but my person remained clean!!
I recall taking the typical 214 drunk photos with everyone, of which we are on pins and needles to see because the camera decided to stay at the museum after we left, so it must be retrieved for the nonsense can be witnessed. If I recall correctly (which I pretty much never do) I think one friend and I took at least one photo pretending we were pregnant. The logic of this idea is sadly not in the memory bank. All in all, not terribly eventful. I have zero recollection of the ride home, where we apparently sang xmas carols in the towncar and I got home and ate some leftover macaroni... from Thanksgiving. Yum! We did get Flip video-thingys as our gifts which is rad (and thank god we got them at the very end of the night!!) and the boys got some pimped out Dr. Dre headphones.
Speaking of boys.... Ok, so Boyfriend has this habit (and when I say habit, I mean like second-nature, no filter, automatic response habit) of saying a completely ABSURD version of what you just said if he didn't hear you correctly. And I am a mumbler, I'll admit it, 100%. Most of my friends either say "Pardon?" or they figure it out from context, usually using actual words and things from real life. But no, not BF. Like for instance,
Me: I'm going to make this pumpkin cake for Thanksgiving...
BF: You're gonna make a pancake lake? What is that?!?! (Giggling)
Me: If you go to the store I need some uh, muffin cups, they're in the baking aisle, the foil ones please...
BF: What? You want amoeba muffet tops? I don't even know what those are?!?! (Again, cracking himself up.)
The first few years I would get annoyed and correct him, all very seriously. I kinda of thought he was actually special needs or deaf or god knows what. I think I had a nervous breakdown about it one time and he explained that he just thinks it's hilarious and has always done it. So for a while, I just decided to agree, and be like "Yep, yep, that's what I said, get me amoeba muffet tops. Uh-huh." But now that I live with this fellow full time, it can wear on one's patience. Especially if I am hangry (when being hungry makes you cranky: hungry + angry = hangry.) (Terrible, uck, I know, I'll never say it again.) Anyway, when irritable, it is not amusing. AT ALL. So Sunday, this happened:
Horrible long trip to Safeway, no carts so I'm lugging around fucking heavy crap in a dumb basket, had to bag our own shit cause they were swamped, whatever. Finally get in car, head off home, at the first big turn, a bag rolls off the seat, clanging to the floor.
Me: Shit, what was that?
BF: Probably your alcohol, I threw it in one bag
Me: (contorting around the seat to gather fallen soldiers of wine and vodka, thinking 'What twit puts all glass bottles in a bag by themselves?') Sheesh, BF, you'd make a terrible bagger!
BF: Did you say badger? Why would I be a terrible badger?
Me: (Spinning around from backseat) OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE YOU REALLY THINK I SAID BADGER?!?!? YOU CAN'T USE YOUR FUCKING BRAIN TO PUT TOGETHER A CONTEXT IN WHICH A WORD THAT SOUNDS LIKE THAT WOULD BE SITUATIONAL?!?!?!?
I mean really. Sometimes you just snap. So, following this outburst, there was a period of silence. Then he responded, (and this illustrates the level of romance and sweetness he is famous for), he says in the voice of an angry yet calm father, "You have until we get home to change your attitude or I will make this the worst Sunday of your life." To which I calmly reply, "That is the stupidest thing anyone has ever said."
Happy Sunday!!
Since we were bringing home the xmas tree and lights and poinsettias and grocery treats, we were in fact fine and eventually jolly when we got back to the house and set up ChristmasLand 2010. You know what they say, "We put the FUN in dysfunctional!!!"
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