So I whipped up a few of my own. If any of these sound familiar, you've come to the right place.
A – Alcoholic tendencies while remaining moderately functional in life (ie – not puking at work or out-of-doors, avoiding Jagerbombs and beverages that are on fire, beating that 'drunk in public' charge, not drinking out of brown paper bags, holding down a six-figure job where 90% of your office drinks just as much as you, so…. financial something or other probably.)
B – Belittling people, mostly internally, that you are jealous of – like how Megan Fox sounds like a moron every time she opens her mouth, Jennifer Aniston and her perfect abs will likely die alone, and how even though all your friends are married, their husbands are probably mostly bald, subservient douchebags.
C – Constantly forgetting the endings of TV episodes because you were drinking, and then when you go to watch the new one, you have no idea what is going on. Easily remedied when you watch shows on premium channels that do the “Last time on True Blood, there was lots of violent sex, Jason was revealed to be an oversize leprechaun who can shoot lasers out of his eyes, Tara cried a lot, everyone looked hot/sticky, Eric’s super hot, and Sookie is in the middle of all of it.”
D – Daydreaming about how what an awesome rich person you would be – skinny, tan, saving puppies and dolphins, amassing a colossal wine collection, and throwing epic theme/fancy dress parties. You would be fast friends with Victoria Beckham with whom you would talk mad shit about Katie Holmes and that looney toons “marriage” of hers (or worse those huge jeans she wears and rolls up.)
E – Excitedly squealing like its Christmas morning when you find that bottle of vodka you hid in your rain boot because your boyfriend seems to be monitoring your weekly bottle count. (Also effective is switching to box wine – I recommend the Target cab/shiraz blend.)
F – Fighting every urge you have to the contrary, posting a ‘congrats on your new baby’ message on yet another friend’s facebook wall, while you pause your DVRd episode marathon of Dexter to fix yourself yet another cocktail of vodka and loneliness, pondering why a serial killer can get married and have babies but your sorry ass can’t.
G – Groaning in anticipatory agony as you reach for your phone in the morning to read through the texts filled with garbage, nonsense, sexual innuendos, proclamations of love like “I loooooovbbe you soooo much we neeed to hng out morrrbe!” to the bitch you have been mad at for three months but then “Umbrella/Goldigger/Womanizer” came on and it made you miss her.
H – Having to go to dinner with your friend and her remarkably douchey husband whose tie knots are the size of half a grilled cheese sandwich and ‘stores’ his sunglasses on the back of his head and says things like “Yeah we totally started to crush it yesterday at like noon,” which in douche means that’s when he and his douchey friends began drinking adult beverages, most likely some Jaeger-Red Bull-Sparxx concoction.
I – Instantly thinking, “Stupid bitch” when some girl stares at your shoes/purse/whatever, and then feeling like an ass when she says how much she loves them.
J – Justifying eating a cheeseburger from McDonalds because it is simply the only thing that will cure your hangover. And of course fries, because you are not a communist. Other days, however, you skip meals to save the calories for alcohol. Duh.
K – Knowing that you are totally happy just going home to put on sweats advertising a university you did not attend, nor did you ever visit and have no idea where said sweats came from, drink Target box wine from a mug and cry at Glee because you wish you had some kind of talent, (or at Grey’s because you don’t have 25 friends who you conveniently work with, are related to, married to, and/or married to your BFF/soulmate who totally ‘gets you.’)
L – Learning that Esquire and GQ have articles that are 10,000 times less intelligence-insulting and more useful than chick magazines. Cosmo has given us a billion tips for giving blow jobs upside down with a mouthful of Jujubees or how to make a pile of lettuce more fun by throwing in some… beans! Whoo-hooo! But the guys actually get to read about things like Cocktails Every Decent Drinker Should Master (Manhattans, people! Not Sex on Your Face, or whatever sluts are drinking nowadays), How to Sew a Button (no really, I could use that), Best Recipe for …something including MEAT – ribs, steak, chili -- real food that can be eaten with fries and/or cheese! Also articles about pirates, con-men, spies, the crazies at Comic Con! Those sound interesting.
M – Mourning the death of simple manners and decorum. (And by that I don’t mean it’s not ok for us to act more like Don Draper than Betty.) I mean that no one says please and thank you, handwrites notes, holds doors, offers seats on the train to ladies like us. But I’m old-school. I think we can at least agree on not displaying muffin tops or thongs, not cursing loudly into your phone when in public, being genteel to your waiter/housekeeper/janitor at work/order-taker at McDonalds because God Bless You that you don’t have to do that job. Everyone should have to watch the great Louis CK’s “Everything’s Amazing and Nobody’s Happy” clip. Brilliant.
N – Never answering your phone. If it’s important, they can text you.
O – Ordering a bottle of wine with dinner and defiantly snarking back at the judgmental server that “Yes, I said just ONE glass, thankyouverymuch, Britnee.”
P – Pretending that simply by being the funniest of all your friends, word of this will get out, and you will be offered a late night talk show. Any day now!
Q – Questioning your choice in men, when in the course of one week, he has asked you in all sincerity – “Who is this Gordon Gekko?”… “Is hot mess a good thing or a bad thing?”… “Why do you throw the remote at my head when I drink the last of the vodka?” … “Do you think you could help me clean up around here instead of just laying there watching football?”
R – Requiring that your friends never wear in your presence: crocs, tennis shoes with jeans, Tevas, cycling wear, most American Apparel items, leggings as pants, jaunty hats, strapless dresses displaying prominent tan lines, any fragrance from Victoria’s Secret, anything on your body that sparkles/shimmers, rompers of course, ass-shaping shoes… just to name a few fashion crimes.
S – Silently wanting to punch all girls in the face who talk about the last cleanse they did, say no to nachos at happy hour, have half a slice of 97-grain bread with egg white omelets for breakfast, talk about how great their workout was (especially if while still in douchey overpriced LuluLemon workout gear), get up before 11am on weekends to grab coffee with hubby at some quaint outdoor bistro/take the dogs for a hike in actual mountains/practice for a 20k/snag the best organic produce at the Farmer’s market/etc…
T – Trying to make it sound like being single is simply THE way to go! I can take a vacation on a moment’s notice! (Alone.) I can drink my face off on any night because there will be no loud crying at 4am to wake me up! (Mostly because it’ll be me.) I can curse all I want! (Why in the fuck don’t I have a goddman decent guy when that whorebag Jessica from college lands a rich funny guy who adores her?! FFUUUUUUUUCCCKKKK ME!!!” *sobbing*
U – Usually greeted with warm “Heys!” and “Hellos!” upon entering your neighborhood liquor store to purchase cheap wine, sweet tea vodka, or a giant bottle of Arrogant Bastard ale. Bonus points if they ask where you’ve been. Triple points if you send your boyfriend the next night to buy more. (Or you pull the “Yeah, big dinner party last night! Cleaned us out!” line.)
V – Violently objecting to all movies that star or feature Jennifers Lopez/Garner/Aniston, Matthew McConnaghyeyee, Kate Hudson, Cameron Diaz, Tara Reid, Ashton Kutcher, …and about 100 more. We all have that one friend that LOVES those, which is useful because you can say:
“Hey Katie, did you like JustFriendsExesSillyMistakenIdentityTrappedSomewhereLearntoLove?”
“Yes it was ADORABLE! And so many peppy/touching montages!”
“Thank you, I will now avoid that film like toxic waste and/or Hot Topic.”
W – Wink at your pill bottle just like our rich, snarky, heartless, boozing hero, Lucille Bluth.
X – Xanax, clonazepam, lexapro, ativan, wellbutrin, adderall, ambien… Valley of the Dolls is alive and well in my purse.
Y – Your senior quote may have been “Wickedness is a myth created by good people to account for the curious attractiveness of others.” By another of our snarky heroes, Oscar Wilde.
Z – Zzzzzzz’s – perfectly acceptable to grab a few on your couch most nights. Because you are tired from work, not because you are passed out. Ahem.
